Listening and Balancing

The Hebrew word for balance is izun, related to the word ozen  (ear), which makes sense since physical balance is linked to our ears. 

Internal balance, I believe, is also related to our ears. When we are in balance, we are hearing the competing voices and making sense of them. When we are out of balance, something isn't being heard or given its space. When I find myself out of balance, I know that something is crying out but I cannot listen to it. Sometimes that "something" is my children, asking for my attention. Sometimes it is my work, crammed into less time than it deserves because there are other things happening. Sometimes it is me, with needs for health or space that are not being honored. 

Each of us has these voices. The question is how well we listen and how we assign them priority and space. It is not realistic to expect that everything gets heard and fulfilled as we each have limited resources (time being the most precious). Yet, balance is not static. Each day we can listen differently and find a new sense of balance. The more we envision balance as fluid, the more forgiving and flexible we can become.

As I approach the new year, I am praying for the ability to listen. To hear myself, those around me, the voices that are often easily missed in the chaos of life...and in that listening, to find balance. 

Carrying Forward A Legacy

Last week, I was in Baltimore where most of my mother's family is buried. We were actually there for my brother's wedding, yet since we are so rarely in Baltimore, it seemed appropriate to take the morning to go to the cemetery as a family.

As I was preparing my three year-old for the visit, I explained that a cemetery is a place where we remember those we love. It is a mitzvah to visit a cemetery and place stones on the graves. So, when we arrived at the cemetery, my daughter immediately set upon the task of finding enough stones for everyone. She was eager to place them where we said and was excited to "do a mitzvah."

I invited her to come over to her great-grandmother Irene's headstone. I was very close to my grandmother and my daughter was named for her. I pointed to the name Irene and asked, "Who do you know who has Irene in her name?" "Me!" my daughter proclaimed. This gave me an opportunity to say that she was named for someone who was brave, who loved family, and who was very special to her mommy and her Savta (grandmother). 

Standing in that cemetery, I was struck by how much my daughter does embody parts of my grandmother. I thought about how my grandmother would always raise her hands in excitement when I arrived for a visit, and how my daughter uses her hands when she wants to make a strong point. I think of my daughter's love of nail polish and how my grandmother did her best to keep a manicure. I think of how my grandmother, when she went into hospice, lamented how she would never see my children. Yet, 6 1/2 years later, I believe she does get to see her children in some way. I could feel in this moment of memory how delighted she would be in them, and in me as a mother. 

When we name our children for family, we are endowing them with a legacy. We are hoping and praying that they will take on the positive qualities of those we love and will maintain a memory for our entire family. In a way, we fulfill an obligation to remember our loved ones by passing on their name, and all that represents. The name, though, is only the first part. It is the stories, the memories, the "wow, your grandma used to do that" moments, that invite our children to actively carry forward this legacy. If we only say, "You were named for our relative," we miss the opportunity to make our children the bearer of a piece of history. 

I stood at the grave of my great-aunt Florence. She was my grandmother's favorite sister and died young. My mother chose to name me for Florence (which is why my name is spelled the way it is). Yet, that's the sum total of the stories I know about Aunt Florence. I never really thought to ask. For my daughter, I had the opportunity to start telling the stories about Grandma Irene in a way that makes sense to a preschooler. I hope that, with time, she will not only know why she was named for Irene, but what her great-grandmother meant to me. My stories will become hers, and then Irene Hurwitz Pollock's legacy and memory truly becomes a blessing. 

God is like...

At bedtime last week, as we prepared to sing bedtime Shema, my daughter asked why we say this prayer at night. I said, "Because we are asking God to watch over us." Then came the obvious question, "What's God?"

How does one explain God to a three year old, who still can't separate "today," "tomorrow," and "yesterday," or other abstract concepts? tried a few approaches: "God is something we can't see but can feel...so much bigger than all of us." I then received the question, "Is God a rabbi?" I tried again: "God is like love." Then I said, "God is in our good choices." And then I realized I should exit gracefully: "Let's sing the Shema."

I've spent the nights since then reflecting upon what I know as a rabbi about teaching God and what I now as a parent realize about teaching my children about God and faith. 

When teaching our children about God, the first step as parents is to know what God is to each of us. Everything I said to my daughter about God was true. I do believe that God is present but invisible, felt strongly in the relationships we have, expressed in the choices we make. I feel God's presence as gratitude, the overwhelming feeling of blessing as I look at my children and so many areas of my life. If we as parents don't have a clear sense of some basic truths for us with regard to faith, we will not be able to approach this from a place of confidence or authenticity. 

The next step is to model that knowing. In the moment my daughter asked me about God, I naively thought that I could give one answer that would make perfect sense. She's three, though, and her understanding of faith is more closely tied to her understanding of the parent-child relationship. She can't understand God the way I do....but she can understand that I have faith in God. She can understand that we pray. She can understand that we believe in something greater than ourselves. More powerful than any conversation is what she watches me and others do. 

Those little eyes and ears notice everything! There is a lot of pressure to make sure that what she sees and hears are positive messages. Yet, I would like to think that all of us strive to acheive the best within us, doing our part to bring goodness to this world. So, perhaps this is just another blessing children can bring to our lives--they can be the mirror that reflects who we are and inspires us to be better. 

A Blessing For A Healthy Child

Today brought our daughter's 3 year and our son's 6 month physicals. It was entertaining to anticipate this visit to the doctor with our daughter. She had a list of the things she learned in school about doctor's visits and interacted beautifully with the nurse and doctor. Even the little hemoglobin stick didn't bug her. She watched her brother get some vaccines and was appropriate sympathetic. All in all, a good visit.

Every child has their growth areas, and ours are no exception. Certainly there are a few things to work on, but we left with fundamentally healthy children, particularly our daughter who doesn't need to come back until she's four!

When a child comes into the world, we "count their fingers and toes" and are grateful that he or she is healthy. I believe that gratitude needs to continue to be present in our minds and hearts after that initial concern. Every physical with a clean bill of health, every medical issue that can be easily resolved, every challenge that is manageable....this is a moment of blessing and thanksgiving. While I sit here this evening knowing that there could one day be something life-threatening which emerges in one of our children, surprising us and tearing our world apart (we've all heard the stories), I address that fear with acknowledgement of the blessing in this moment of healthy children. In that spirit, I offer this prayer for all of us who are so blessed:

Dear God, thank You for my child and for the good health he/she enjoys. I know that there are many children who are gravely ill, one of the deepest mysteries we have to face as human beings. I don't know why I am blessed with this healthy child, but I want You to know that I am so grateful. Help me each day to appreciate my child's health and growth, to put our struggles in perspective, and to never take the resources we have for granted. Make this next year one of health and strength for my child and for our family. Bless us with wholeness and peace. Amen. 

The Frozen Effect

With my princess-loving three year-old daughter, our house has fallen captive to the Frozen craze. Every day is a new opportunity to dress up as Princess Anna or Queen Elsa, to knock on a door and ask, "Do you wanna build a snowman?", and get excited about "coronation day." While I have read many articles and blogs about the phenomenon that is Frozen, including the positives and drawbacks of the two princesses, I overall think this is a great, entertaining movie. For all of its shortcomings, it does send a message of confidence and that sibling love is true love, too.

Yet, Frozen has blown a chill wind into our house as well. Recently I observed to a friend that, in the past few weeks, our daughter has worried that we are leaving her when we do multiple trips to the car before leaving in the morning, she is now complaining about the wind, and most recently, refuses to "be cold." The friend replied, "Oh, all major themes in Frozen."

Some of this, particularly some of the worry of being left behind, is normal three year-old behavior. She is trying to make sense of the world around her, and this is just part of that development. I also know, though, that my friend is right and this is could absolutely be from watching Frozen.

What I realized is that I watch Frozen with my daughter and we talk about some of it, but I have shied away from the scene when the parents go away and don't return. I have focused on the positive themes of sibling love, helping, being trustworthy...and not talked about the scary parts like dying parents or frozen sisters.

Fairy tales and princess stories often have scary parts in them because they respond and address the fears we all feel. How often do we really process them with our children?

This weekend, when it is time for our weekly viewing of a Disney movie (and I know it will be Frozen), I'm going to be pausing the movie at different parts and asking my daughter what she sees and feels. Maybe it will turn out that this is all just three year-old stuff, not anything related to the movie. Regardless, it will be a growing experience for me as a parent, opening up the difficult conversations I'm not sure we need to have. If I don't try, though, I'll never know!

This is the day, and the love, that God created

There are many things which vie for "coolest thing a rabbi gets to do." Clergy of all faiths are blessed with the opportunity to be present for people in so many of life's sacred moments. We are entrusted with information and to make these holy moments resonant, special, and full of meaning.

One of the most special things I am honored to do is to officiate at weddings. While often an officiant is a choice made after venue, date, and obviously, partner, an officiant is a critical part of a wedding. To those who may be reading who are not yet married, remember this when you plan your wedding. The officiant is the person who helps you prepare for this moment, who walks you through this moment, and should be someone who you feel knows you well enough to support you in this moment. It is such a privilege to stand with a couple after months of meetings and premarital counseling, aware of what potential exists for them on their wedding day, and make it sacred for them. 

Someone said to me recently, "Weddings are fundamentally all the same..." It is true--there are many unifying elements of a wedding. Yet each couple is different. Each couple represents the joining of two families, many stories and generations, and is unlike anyone else who stood under the chuppah before. White dresses, DJs, caterers...they can be repeated. Yet, there are no two wedding ceremonies which are alike.

 When we see two people join hands and look at one another with the awe that they found one another and the humility that they have the rest of their lives to spend together...we are brought back to our own wedding days, the promises we have made and the time that has passed, or anticipate our own time under the chuppah. I remember when I watched my then-fiance officiate his friend's wedding weeks before our own. My father-in-law-to-be reached over during the vows and squeezed my hand. Both of us were feeling the amazing anticipation of what would unfold just a few weeks later.

As I write this, Micah and I are preparing to officiate his youngest brother's wedding. This couple knew each other in high school and reconnected years later. They are the story of amazing coincidences and circumstances and "right place at the right time"--they are beshert. We will say to them in just a few days that, as the psalmist wrote, "This is the day that God has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Truly, this is not only the day, but the love, that God has created. It is unique and special and to me represents the presence of the Divine in our world. And as we officiate, Micah and I will be reminded of the vows we made to one another 8 1/2 years ago, and all that has unfolded since.

For every couple who stands under the chuppah, remember that this day was made for you, that this love was made just for you. Your story has never been told by another, what is yet to unfold is uniquely yours...and all of us are blessed by it. 

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. I'm not a huge birthday person--I don't expect parties, big dinners or to-do's, or even presents (I told my husband what I wanted). Instead, I like the "little extras": cake, nice dinner, getting hellos and good wishes from friends and family.

This year, I really thought about this as a milestone. Unlike Rosh Hashanah or January 1st, this is my personal new year. It is when my clock changes over and a new measure starts. In that spirit, here are some thoughts:

I'm supposed to be the age I am. I don't feel old (because I'm not) and if anything, I still feel a little young. But that is all because of life-stage. I have two kids, a minivan, a house, a husband, a job I love, and I'm in my early 30s. I hope I am always able to use the measure of life, not numbers. There will come a time, God-willing, when I will feel I am supposed to be 60, or 70, because of the measure of life experience and blessings. I just pray I have the health to enjoy it.

Speaking of blessings, I am blessed. Simply, truly, honestly. Life's too short to be too upset about the little things. My family is healthy, we have what we need, we do work that is meaningful...I am blessed. On this birthday, I really just wish for this feeling to continue. In this past year, I came through pregnancy safely and with a healthy baby boy who, along with his sister, astounds me every day. I look at them and am without words because I am overwhelmed with a feeling of love, blessing, and the miracle that these two human beings exist and I have the privilege of being their parents.

For the first year, I didn't get annoyed by the Facebook wishes. They are sent with love and give an opportunity for reconnection. My birthday resolution is to follow up on many of these birthday wishes which came from people I only can see through Facebook, to make it more than a passing encounter into something more meaningful and lasting.

My birthday present from my family was a purse that I picked out (I sent my husband the Amazon link). I didn't feel badly not having the surprise because instead of just getting it for myself, I gave my family the opportunity to give me what I really wanted. They made me a scavenger hunt and it was given with love and appreciation. That's better than any surprise.

So, on this special birthday, I offer this prayer (and maybe you'll want to use it too):

God, thank You for bringing me to this moment in time.
Thank You for my health and strength and for the many blessings I have in my life.
In this coming year, help me to take time to appreciate them.
Give me the discipline to slow down and be present in a piece of each day of the next year.
Help me to find the perseverance to pursue the goals I set for this year, and help me find comfort when I feel the ways I have failed.
Guide me towards a year of goodness, health, and blessing.
Amen.